Nothing Hurt in the Dream

My wicked daydream and maybe.. Here I am again… spiraling into uncertainty. But this time feels different. Usually, I try to find my way back before I forget where I started. Tonight, I stop looking. My wicked daydreams know the way. I let them lead. There is something restful about following. I don’t have to explain where we’re going, or why. A woman waits among the trees. Somehow, she knows what I want. I almost ask how long she has been waiting. But I’m afraid she’ll say she hasn’t. She offers me a glowing seed, dissolving as I take it. I recognize her a moment too late. I open my mouth to call her name. Nothing comes. Still, I hold her gift as though I remember. Her warmth stays a little longer than she does. Whatever I was holding back feels very far away. Why did I make myself wait so long? I try to remember what was so important about waking up. Nothing comes to mind. Maybe I can keep this feeling. Just a little longer. Maybe. Such a little word. I have hidden so much inside it. Maybe I could. Maybe I would. For once, I let the thought finish. Nothing interrupts me. I hadn’t realized how much of my life I spent waiting to be told no. The kitchen returns in pieces. The counter. The sink. That familiar, ugly light. I blink, expecting the trees to return. The light hums. I know this sound. I wish I didn’t. Was I here the whole time? I look down at the knife. For a moment, I wait for my hands to let it go. They remain steady. Both of them. And.. Someone lies at my feet. I cannot remember looking down. I cannot seem to look away. Maybe I didn’t mean to. Maybe I’ll pay for this. Maybe no one will ever know. Maybe I’m still dreaming. I try the words again. They sound rehearsed. An old habit. I wait for the guilt that usually follows. Then I realize I need no comfort. My mouth has already begun to smile. Ah… I’ve never felt more satisfied. Maybe this is the dream. A little giggle slips out. Nothing ever hurts here.